Over The Moon

Today we finally finished Half Moon presentations. And, as my title indicates, we are, indeed "over the moon" . . I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if I had heard "Everybody together, feet together at the line . . heels and toes touching each other . . arms over your head sideways, palms together . . . " one more time I was going to scream. Especially because, although at one point we were cruising along quite nicely, the final presentations were a bit rocky and painful to listen to, which is most likely precisely why those individuals opted not to go until the end. On the other hand, they did have nearly two full weeks to prepare . . just sayin'. Regardless, we are done and ready and eager to move on to the rest of the dialogue in our posture clinics. This is when all 430 of us are broken down into 20 groups and assigned to a room where we will quickly and intensively learn and present the remaining 25 postures. This is also the point in which the pace picks up a bit and the pressure is on to learn the dialogue and move onto the next posture. I'm pretty psyched about the thought of not having to endure 3+ hours of Half Moon while sitting in chairs that are not conducive to any semblance of comfort whatsoever. Of course, if it were only posture clinics that we were looking forward to then it would be just too easy. Next week we will also be starting our Anatomy lectures and "homework" with Dr. P. This is where we will delve deeper into our study of this practice and learn how each pose contributes to the functioning of different organs in the body. This is a valuable part of the training and important knowledge for us to have as teachers so I recognize its significance; however, I really just want to focus on posture clinics right now and get to know my group. It is in our groups that real friendships and bonds are formed, which isn't to say that genuine friendships have not been established up to this point, but your group becomes your immediate family at this training and the people in it are those that we will rely on the most for support.
On another note . . the heat is back. This statement requires some clarification, I'm sure, since you, as my reader, are operating under the notion that I am at a hot yoga teacher training. Well for several days the temperature in the room dipped to far below the acceptable point for Bikram Yoga. The objective behind the heat is to allow one's muscles to stretch into postures with more ease, to make one's body more agile, and to prevent injury. Many, many trainees were complaining about tight hamstrings and other pain due to the lack of the heat. But, alas, that problem has been solved and the heat is back. This makes for a more intense class and far less injuries so we are happy yogis once again. Rumor has it the heat is back up to around the 130 mark but that is purely hearsay. My personal thermometer would put it somewhere around 110-115 depending on where you are in the room. It feels comparable to my home studio, which is very hot. The only difference is that we don't get the periodic breath of fresh air that is provided by most teachers in New York throughout class by opening doors and/or windows. That was a little tough to deal with in the beginning for me since I expect and have grown quite accustomed to the door or window being opened during Triangle or before Camel . .but this training is all about leaving your expectations behind and accepting circumstances as they truly are, whether it’s about the heat, the length of class (90 minutes is not the norm at training), the teacher, and our schedule. Speaking of which, we had one super late night this week. Bikram had us watch a Bollywood movie with him until 3:30 a.m. but the following night we were in bed by 12:30 a.m. so I really can't complain. We shall see what tonight brings . . .

Today we finally finished Half Moon presentations. And, as my title indicates, we are, indeed "over the moon" . . I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if I had heard "Everybody together, feet together at the line . . arms over your head sideways, palms together . . . " one more time I was going to scream. Especially because, although at one point we were cruising along quite nicely, the final presentations were a bit rocky and painful to listen to, which is most likely precisely why those individuals opted not to go until the end. On the other hand, they did have nearly two full weeks to prepare . . just sayin'. Regardless, we are done and ready and eager to move on to the rest of the dialogue in our posture clinics. This is when all 430 of us are broken down into 20 groups and assigned to a room where we will quickly and intensively learn and present the remaining 25 postures. This is also the point in which the pace picks up a bit and the pressure is on to learn the dialogue and move onto the next posture. I'm pretty psyched about the thought of not having to endure 3+ hours of Half Moon while sitting in chairs that are not conducive to any semblance of comfort whatsoever. Of course, if it were only posture clinics that we were looking forward to then it would be just too easy. Next week we will also be starting our Anatomy lectures and "homework" with Dr. P. This is where we will delve deeper into our study of this practice and learn how each pose contributes to the functioning of different organs in the body. This is a valuable part of the training and important knowledge for us to have as teachers so I recognize its importance; however, I really just want to focus on posture clinics right now and get to know my group. It is in our groups that real friendships and bonds are formed, which isn't to say that genuine friendships have not been established up to this point, but your group becomes your immediate family at this training and the people in it are those that we will rely on the most for support.
On another note . . the heat is back. This statement requires some clarification, I'm sure, since you, as my reader, are operating under the notion that I am at a hot yoga teacher training. Well for several days the temperature in the room dipped to far below the acceptable point for Bikram Yoga. The objective behind the heat is to allow one's muscles to stretch into postures with more ease, to make one's body more agile, and to prevent injury. Many, many trainees were complaining about tight hamstrings and other pain due to the lack of the heat. But, alas, that problem has been solved and the heat is back. This makes for a more intense class and far less injuries so we are happy yogis once again. Rumor has it the heat is back up to around the 130 mark but that is purely hearsay. My personal thermometer would put it somewhere around 110-115 depending on where you are in the room. It feels comparable to my home studio, which is very hot. The only difference is that we don't get the periodic breath of fresh air that is provided by most teachers in New York throughout class by opening doors and/or windows. That was a little tough to deal with in the beginning for me since I expect and have grown quite accustomed to the door or window being opened during Triangle or before Camel . .but this training is all about leaving your expectations behind and accepting circumstances as they truly are, whether it’s about the heat, the length of class (90 minutes is not the norm at training), the teacher, and our schedule. Speaking of which, we had one super late night this week. Bikram had us watch a Bollywood movie with him until 3:30 a.m. but the following night we were in bed by 12:30 a.m. so I really can't complain. We shall see what tonight brings

Over The Moon

Today we finally finished Half Moon presentations. And, as my title indicates, we are, indeed "over the moon" . . I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if I had heard "Everybody together, feet together at the line . . arms over your head sideways, palms together . . . " one more time I was going to scream. Especially because, although at one point we were cruising along quite nicely, the final presentations were a bit rocky and painful to listen to, which is most likely precisely why those individuals opted not to go until the end. On the other hand, they did have nearly two full weeks to prepare . . just sayin'. Regardless, we are done and ready and eager to move on to the rest of the dialogue in our posture clinics. This is when all 430 of us are broken down into 20 groups and assigned to a room where we will quickly and intensively learn and present the remaining 25 postures. This is also the point in which the pace picks up a bit and the pressure is on to learn the dialogue and move onto the next posture. I'm pretty psyched about the thought of not having to endure 3+ hours of Half Moon while sitting in chairs that are not conducive to any semblance of comfort whatsoever. Of course, if it were only posture clinics that we were looking forward to then it would be just too easy. Next week we will also be starting our Anatomy lectures and "homework" with Dr. P. This is where we will delve deeper into our study of this practice and learn how each pose contributes to the functioning of different organs in the body. This is a valuable part of the training and important knowledge for us to have as teachers so I recognize its importance; however, I really just want to focus on posture clinics right now and get to know my group. It is in our groups that real friendships and bonds are formed, which isn't to say that genuine friendships have not been established up to this point, but your group becomes your immediate family at this training and the people in it our those that we will rely on the most for support.
On another note . . the heat is back. This statement requires some clarifications, I'm sure, since you, as my reader, are operating under the notion that I am at a hot yoga teacher training. Well for several days the temperature in the room dipped to far below the acceptable point for Bikram Yoga. The objective behind the heat is to allow one's muscles to stretch into postures with more ease, to make one's body more agile, and to prevent injury. Many, many trainees were complaining about tight hamstrings and other pain due to the lack of the heat. But, alas, that problem has been solved and the heat is back. This makes for a more intense class and far less injuries so we are happy yogis once again (well most of us, there w

Hotel Livin'

I think the longest that I have ever stayed in a hotel was when I was young on vacation with my parents. It was probably only for a few days, 5 at the most, but it was always so exciting for Katie and me. Anyone who knows my family will not be surprised to learn that my parents never made reservations or called ahead of time. Instead, we would drive and keep our eyes peeled for vacancy signs. When my parents spotted one my dad would pull in and go inside to check it out. He would come out and talk to my mom briefly and then she would poke her head in the backseat and look at us as if she had bad news and then would shout, "Get your suits on!!" the way her father used to do to her and her brothers when they were young. We would scream and leap out of the car to start unpacking and head to the hotel's pool. At that point, we would usually be ushered into some back entrance by my dad who had told the hotel that only 2 guests would be occupying the room in order to get the cheaper rate. Once we got to the room, Katie and I would explore every nook and cranny of it and find genuine delight in grabbing the miniature soap and shampoo or playing with the little coffee maker. We would set our stuff up and put our dolls on "our" bed and then quickly change into our suits. Ah . . those were the days . . when staying a hotel was the coolest thing about vacations and life was carefree and entirely fun. Now I find myself in a hotel for 9 weeks with a roommate that I barely know (but really like, btw) and no doll on the bed for comfort. The mere thought of trying to battle the endless line for the limited laundry facilities made me nauseous so I opted to wash my sweaty yoga clothes and a few other items in our bathtub. Now our room is filled with clothes draped over every corner, hook, door knob and piece of furniture. I feel bad subjecting my roommate to this and also realize that the process of evaporation is quite time consuming so I will not be doing this again. So, part of hotel livin' here at the Radisson LAX will be trekking with my sweaty, smelly yoga clothes to a nearby laundromat. As a spoiled New Yorker the mere thought of this makes me want to jump on the next plane back to JFK. What happened to fluff and fold?!?! (For those that don't know, this is the convenient feature offered in the city in which someone will come to your apartment and pick up your dirty laundry, wash it, fold it, and then deliver it to your door for a fee). Needless to say, I am not looking forward to devoting my valuable time to sitting in a laundromat. And, I'm in L.A. for God's sake! The last thing I want to do is spend what little free time we are allotted doing laundry! But that's hotel livin' for ya . .

874 Eyes On Me . . .

Yes, I know. I am way behind in blogging, especially considering training has begun and I have yet to check in here. My apologies; however, that is a reflection of just how busy we have been since day one. I haven't even spoken to my husband since Sunday (sorry, Ror) and I have been woefully neglectful of returning calls and texts (sorry everyone), never mind e-mails. But since at the moment I feel somewhat rested (6 hours of sleep last night) and rejuvenated from a strong morning class (they haven't all been like this) I decided to check back in and post an update on TT so far. As promised, our first week has been filled with excitement, emotion, fatigue, angst, and pain . . yes, pain already. Our first class on Monday was the hottest and hardest class I have ever taken in my 2.5 years of practicing Bikram Yoga. And I certainly wasn't the only one who thought so. People were in and out of the room like it was "Grand Central Station", according to another teacher (this comment was said to us in a scolding manner; for those who don't know, in Bikram Yoga you are encouraged not to leave the room except in cases of emergency (it interrupts your meditation, distracts your fellow yogis and interferes with the collective energy in the room)). But people were, indeed, coming in and out as though the room had a revolving door at its entrance. And rightly so, in my opinion. It was f'n HOT in there. I ran out of water in the standing series (and I bring a LOT of water in to class with me) and panicked so even I left to replenish my supply. I have only left the room on two occasions and both were to use the bathroom. I never anticipated having to leave the room in training. I even told myself I wasn't going to sit out for any postures. But the game here is about survival; whatever it takes to survive in this yoga boot camp is what you do. So rather than beat myself up about leaving (I did come right back to finish out the floor series after furiously chugging water and a Gatorade) I accepted it and moved on. . .next was the beginning of the Half Moon presentations. All 427 of us are expected to stand on the stage in one of the hotel's conference rooms and recite Half Moon (the first posture in the series), with a microphone, in front of Bikram himself and our fellow trainees. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Those who know me know that I am pretty outgoing and I have done some public speaking but I was terrified of getting up in front of everyone and Bikram to do Half Moon. I have been practicing this posture for a few weeks using my husband to demonstrate the posture and was relatively confident in my ability to recite it but the thought of all those eyes on me (874 to be exact; 426 other trainees, Bikram and approximately 10 staff and visiting teachers) was quite alarming. However, regardless of my fear, I was eager to just get it over with. My turn on stage came on day 2 of Half Moon presentations and, if I do say so myself, I nailed it. Bikram simply said, "no corrections", which is a good sign because there were some people for which he had a mouthful of complaints and corrections. For the most part, I must say that Bikram has been very fair, honest, and even generous in his Half Moon critiques. Some people recited it verbatim to how it is written in the dialogue but lacked energy, some were too loud, others were too quiet, some were monotone, and some seemed as though they had never even heard the words in class before never mind had glanced at the dialogue to prepare. And some rocked it completely . . And many were speaking in a language that wasn't their native tongue. At the end of the day, it wasn't that big of a deal but I was grateful for it to be over. We are still finishing up Half Moon and will be until next week, after which we break up into our posture clinic groups and move on to the rest of the dialogue.
As promised, we have had one really late night so far watching a Bollywood film with Bikram (who could hardly contain his excitement for the event). After the movie was over at approximately 3 a.m., Bikram spoke until 3:45. Needless to say, getting up for morning class was no picnic the following day. The next night Bikram lectured for 3 hours, until 1 a.m. but all of our hard work paid off because we were rewarded with Friday night off! So with one class left to go (we don't do a double on Saturday and have no class on Sunday), I feel pretty good about the first week. This being said after my aggravation regarding sleep deprivation and the temperature of the first class has subsided, of course. But, all in all, I am satisfied and ready for the next two months. Now, talk to me in Week 6 and you may here a different story.

"It's never goodbye, it's always see you later"

And so it begins . . 9 weeks in Bikram's 'Torture Chamber' . . I arrived yesterday thanks to Katie who drove me down to L.A. from Santa Barbara . . it was hard to leave SB and the beautiful weather. We arrived during orientation but after registration so Katie stayed up in my room and I attended what was left of the opening events. Bikram was not on the premises yesterday as his opening lecture would be scheduled for today, Monday, at 11 a.m. I met up with my roommate, Jennie, whom I know from practicing at the Upper West Side studio (we requested to room together) and we opted to take advantage of Katie's car and drive to Trader Joe's rather than go right away to the opening reception/buffet. So we stocked up on essentials, including a $17 can opener, and headed back to the room to unpack and get settled. Now came the hard part: saying goodbye to my sister. We had a really nice 5 days together and managed to pack a lot into our short time. I had not seen her since October and likely will not again until TT graduation for which she and Rory are coming to L.A. We tend to like to make our goodbyes as quick and painless as possible so to avoid the inevitable burst of tears and subsequent feeling of emptiness. This time we reminded each other of a phrase that Rory uses when he says goodbye to his family in Jamaica and heads "home" to the U.S. . "It's never goodbye . . it's always see you later" . . that certainly helped when I had to say goodbye to Rory just about a week ago and was comforting when bidding farewell to my sister. So we hugged each other and simply said "see you later".
So, with the first leg of my trip and new life over and TT underway, I am ready to get the show on the road. This morning we were expected in our seats for lecture at 10 a.m. and Bikram spoke at 11 a.m. We surprisingly had about 4 hours of free time and next up is our first class. I can't wait to get in the hot room! See you later!

"Go in peace . . my own peace I give you"

Something that I struggle with internally is spirituality . . or my lack thereof. I was raised Catholic but wasn't baptized until age 10 so it's not something I have always known. Since being confirmed I have not been an active practitioner and take issue with organized religion to such a degree that I couldn't possibly submit to it. I have tried to meditate and can't seem to get past the first few seconds without my mind wandering through all the things I need to get done that day or in life in general. Not that I think I am unique in that aspect. I understand perfectly that achieving true peace and stillness through meditation is a challenge with which most are confronted when they try. I try to read spiritual books or even books from Oprah's book club but find myself gravitating back to the New York Times and books regarding U.S. foreign policy. I have lit candles, incense and put on a Tibetan chants CD but unless I am sipping on a glass of wine while doing so I never really seem to conquer my mind and relax. And here I am in Santa Barbara with my sister who practices Buddhism and has a makeshift temple in her studio complete with offerings and candles. She meditates and practices sun salutations and finds genuine solace in this. I yearn for that level of spirituality but instead find myself trapped, still, even out here, in the New York City mentality and rat race. Not that people in New York don't meditate or aren't spiritual but it's a certain pace at which I am going that is simply not conducive to quieting my mind. When addressing this issue with my sister she reminded me that every time I am in my final savasana after class I am meditating . . every time I am able to quiet my mind that tells, nags at me, to wipe the sweat, scratch the itch or adjust my hair, I am meditating and, therefore, using my own spirituality. And, she's right. When I first started practicing Bikram Yoga I couldn't run out of the room fast enough after I heard the word 'namaste' . . I wanted out of the heat and couldn't wait to gulp down ice cold water. I so wanted to be like that yogi in the corner who not only stayed for full savasana but maintained the proper position throughout its duration (heels touching, arms next to the body, palms up, chin down). Even if I was able to stay for a few minutes I found myself bending my knees, stretching my arms up over my head and darting my eyes around the room. Gradually, I have been able to demonstrate more discipline and to remain in savasana, still and undistracted, for the entire alloted fifteen minutes. In fact, I am usually the last to leave the room and if the next class didn't need access I would likely stay longer. I still struggle with my thoughts . . how thirsty I am, how much I need to get in the shower and then get to my next destination, all I need to do for the rest of the day . . and on and on . .but I close my eyes and remain still and this alone quiets the nagging thoughts. Yesterday, in savasana, while laying in stillness and hearing other people from class get up and leave the room a phrase suddenly popped into my mind, "Go in peace, my own peace I give you" . some of you will recognize that from the Catholic mass. It is a phrase recited at the end of mass as the priest sends us on our way . . anyway, for some reason this phrase popped into my mind as people walked out of the room . . "Go in peace, my own peace I give you" . . I not only had achieved some sense of peace but, apparently, I was willing to share it with others. I had that much peace to spare! I stayed for that final savasana and I questioned why that phrase had manifested in my mind but I had no logical explanation. So, now I realize that I am, indeed, spiritual. Every time I lie in savasana and soak up the incredible vibe produced from class and wish upon my fellow practitioners, "Go in peace" . . "my own peace I give you" . . I realize that I am spiritual and I am always sharing that peace or stillness with others whether or not I realize it. . So, "Go in peace, my own peace I give you" . . .

Something that I struggle with internally is spirituality . . or my lack thereof rather. I was raised Catholic but wasn't baptized until age 10 so it's not something I have always known. Since being confirmed I have not been an active practitioner and take issue with organized religion to such a degree that I couldn't possibly submit to it. I have tried to meditate and can't seem to get past the first few seconds without my mind wandering through all the things I need to get done that day or in life in general. Not that I think I am unique in that aspect. I understand perfectly that achieving true peace and stillness through meditation is a challenge with which most are confronted when they try. I try to read spiritual books or even books from Oprah's book club but find myself gravitating back to the New York Times and books regarding U.S. foreign policy. I have lit candles, incense and put on a Tibetan chants CD but unless I am sipping on a glass of wine while doing so I never really seem to conquer my mind and relax. And here I am in Santa Barbara with my sister who practices Buddhism and has a makeshift temple in her studio complete with offerings and candles. She meditates and practices sun salutations and finds genuine solace in this. I yearn for that level of spirituality but instead find myself trapped, still, even out here, in the New York City mentality and rat race. Not that people in New York don't meditate or aren't spiritual but it's a certain pace at which I am going that is simply not conducive to quieting my mind. When addressing this issue with my sister she reminded me that every time I am in my final savasana after class I am meditating . . every time I am able to quiet my mind that tells, nags at me, to wipe the sweat, scratch the itch or adjust my hair, I am meditating and, therefore, using my own spirituality. And, she's right. When I first started practicing Bikram Yoga I couldn't run out of the room fast enough after I heard the word 'namaste' . . I wanted out of the heat and couldn't wait to gulp down ice cold water. I so wanted to be like that yogi in the corner who not only stayed for full savasana but maintained the proper position throughout its duration (heels touching, arms next to the body, palms up, chin down). Even if I was able to stay for a few minutes I found myself bending my knees, stretching my arms up over my head and darting my eyes around the room. Gradually, I have been able to demonstrate more discipline and to remain in savasana, still and undistracted, for the entire alloted fifteen minutes. In fact, I am usually the last to leave the room and if the next class didn't need access I would likely stay longer. I still struggle with my thoughts . . how thirsty I am, how much I need to get in the shower and then get to my next destination, all I need to do for the rest of the day . . and on and on . .but I close my eyes and remain still and this alone quiets the nagging thoughts. Of course, it helps that I have just contorted my body into 26 postures throughout 90 minutes and in 105 degree heat and practiced two intense and therapeutic breathing exercises prior to lying on my mat in ultimate relaxation.

T Minus Two: Expectations & Curiosity

I am 2 days away from training and filled with both expectations and curiosity as to how it will all play out . . I expect that I will make many, incredible new friends and that these friendships will last a lifetime . .I expect that my body will change and that, at times, I will question why I came to training to begin with .. I expect that my attitude toward the practice will vary throughout the 9 weeks . . I expect that I will miss Rory (my hub) fiercely but I also expect to be so preoccupied and busy that I will have to work to keep in touch with him . . and I expect that no words that I can generate for this blog will ever truly, accurately convey the mind-blowing experience that I will have for the next 2+ months .. but I am also curious about the things about which I don't know what to expect . . from the trivial (or, perhaps, not so trivial) thought of "how much money will I spend?" to the more significant,"what will my posture clinic group be like?" "will I fit into the group dynamics?" and "will my balancing series grow or suffer from 11 classes per week" . . but curiosity did, indeed, kill the cat and I need to "trust the process" and have faith in myself and my practice and trust that everything will fall into place . . so I will try to enjoy my last two days in Santa Barbara and limit the amount of anxiety I have regarding these expectations and curiosities . .

On another note, I had a great day yesterday . . I took class at Bikram Yoga Santa Barbara and I felt really strong and in control of my response to the heat, which although was present, was nothing like New York heat . . I went to an Earth Day 2011 event in downtown Santa Barbara with Katie (my sis) and then we went for sushi at a lovely place on State Street. Being here has definitely exacerbated my disappointment regarding not getting into UCSB. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that something deeper is bringing me to Boulder but I can't help but feel sadness and even resentment about the fact that I was denied admission to UCSB . . Katie and I have not lived near each other since before she left for College of Charleston and we need each other more than ever at the moment . .more on that later. But, I did hear something interesting about Boulder yesterday at the Earth Day event. Apparently "they" (whoever "they" actually are) say that Boulder is Santa Barbara in the mountains and Santa Barbara is Boulder at the beach. I found that to be an especially poignant comparison at a moment when I needed some reassurance that Boulder is where I belong and that I made the right decision in accepting University of Colorado's offer. This decision is not just about me but about me and Rory and in making this decision I am asking him to leave the city he loves, the friends he has made, the soccer teams on which he plays, his family and, of course, his job, which although he is not enamored with it, it is his living . . and I am asking him to go somewhere brand new. I guess this is what being married is all about . . sacrifices and new experiences as a team.

On a lighter note, I am going to sit outside and enjoy the Santa Barbara sunshine and study dialogue. It's hard to concentrate when I have so many expectations and curiosities to fill my mind . . about TT and Boulder . . but it is T minus 2 and I need to get to work!

Insomniac Yogi

It's 1:18 a.m., 4:18 a.m. my time, and here I am quietly creating a blog while my sister sleeps soundly behind me. It's probably not the appropriate time for my first post but I am doing it anyway because starting a blog has been on my never ending 'to do' list for some time and what better time than the present . . when I am exhausted yet bouncing off the walls. Why am I bouncing off the walls? you may ask. Because my life is changing . . big time . . I finally put into motion plans that I have been making in my mind for years, plans that I never thought would come to fruition but are actually coming true in front of my eyes . . finally. After six, arduous years as a paralegal at a commercial litigation firm in Manhattan, I have quit my job and enrolled in Bikram's Yoga College of India's intensive Teacher Training program in hopes of gaining the knowledge necessary to instruct students in the 105 degree, 90 minute class of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. But that's not all . . after BYTT I will move from NYC where I have lived for 9 years to Boulder, Colorado, to be a PhD candidate in Diplomatic History. So, as you see, it's no wonder that I am wide awake and my mind is racing at 1:18/4:18 a.m. (I have only been in Cali for 2 days so I am still on East Coast time). And the thoughts that are racing through my head right now are not organized or, perhaps, even logical . . but they are my thoughts, my fears, my hopes . . from 'am I smart enough for a PhD program?' to 'will I be able to survive 11 classes per week for nine weeks?!' to 'hmmm . . will anyone actually read my blog?' . . but I am suppressing these little fears and doing it . . all . . from PhD to hot as f**k yoga to yup, blogging . . because if I can leave financial security and my metropolitan comfort zone and embark on this path to ultimate change then I can do anything . .